Saying Goodbye

7^th October 2011

Today was Emilie’s funeral.  We have spent the week preparing for it and I think that has given us a focus.  This morning we took Sam to playgroup and went for a coffee together before picking him up, going for a lovely family lunch and taking him to Nicola’s house to look after him.  Our friends came up before the funeral and we spent some time with them chatting and praying before the car picked us up. 

I nearly had a panic attack when the car arrived and I saw Emilie’s coffin. It was white and sterile and I couldn’t bear the thought of her being inside it.  John held her in the car but I could barely look at her coffin or touch it. It was so painful.

The drive to the crematorium was long and slow and I felt sick the whole way there.  I knew that this was the time to say goodbye to Emilie and the thought felt so final.  We could see all our friends arriving at the crematorium when we arrived and I was overcome by such grief at the thought that this wasn’t a ‘normal’ thing to do.  No parent should have to have a funeral for their child and this wasn’t the way I wanted to spend time with my friends.  We should be going for coffee together with Sam and Emilie – not cremating her.

We had wanted Emilie’s funeral to be a special occasion that acknowledged her life within me and recognised her as a special child – not just another lost baby.  Our Pastor led the service and it was absolutely beautiful.  I managed to read the Eulogy which I was so proud of myself for and I know that I’ll be able to look back and be pleased that I did it.  We had barely planned anything for her funeral.  It was such an example of all of our friends coming together to do something for us.  One friend had designed the order of service with John and had arranged for it to be printed and photocopied, another friend had arranged the reception in the form of an afternoon tea and so many of our wonderful friends had baked cakes for it.  We didn’t have to think or be stressed about anything and I think this is part of what made the service and reception so special for us – it was testimony to how much people love us and how much they loved Emilie.   People kept telling us what a lovely service it was and I genuinely think this was because of the love they could feel.  It was important to us, not only to give thanks for Emilie, but the dedicate her as part of the service to acknowledge that we were giving her back to God and trusting him with her.  I thought I would find this incredibly hard but actually felt a sense of release after the funeral.  I know that I will meet her some day and that she will be waiting for me.  I can’t wait to hold her again.