Glimpses of Hope

13^th and 27th October 2011

I feel like I’m really struggling.  I miss Emilie so much – I will be ok for a couple of hours and then my chest seizes up as if my heart is physically aching for her and the panicky feeling comes back.  I’m physically and emotionally exhausted from not sleeping and spending hours crying. I find myself staring at people with young babies and panicking when I see a pram.  I know that they are doing the things that I should be doing and am finding this incredibly painful.  I keep thinking about all of the milestones we’ll never have with Emilie – her first smile, weaning her, learning to sit up and learning to walk.  I can’t bear the thought that these are all things we won’t get to see.  

God has been speaking to me alot over the past couple of days, through the books I have been reading, and has been using these, and his word, to reassure and comfort me.  He has reminded me that he ‘will fulfil his purpose for me’ (Psalm 138:8) and that this applies to Emilie also – that her short life was not a waste or in vain and that she did have a purpose.  That I don’t know what her purpose was at present is no obstacle to God and he has reminded me that he has a plan for me to prosper me, and NOT TO HARM ME – to bring me HOPE and a future.  I need to keep clinging to this, especially when the doubts creep in.  God has also been reminding me that the voice I’ve heard accusing me of doing something to harm Emilie is NOT his voice and that I need to learn to hear and recognise his voice more.  I realise that nothing can happen without God’s knowledge and permission... ²⁹ What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin[a]? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 30 And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows (Matt 10: 29 – 31).   I need to cling to this and wait to find out how God will use what has happened for good.