30th September 2011
I woke up again this morning with the familiar feeling of emptiness and brokenness. I think the only reason I get out of bed, have a shower and make any attempt to face the day is because of Samuel – he keeps us going. A friend took him to a toddler group this morning to give us a break and so that he can maintain some sort of normality. We decided to go for a coffee whilst we discussed funeral arrangements. It was a very quick coffee as being out of the house and trying to enjoy some sense of normality just didn’t feel right to me and I was very panicky. We talked about songs, readings and who we would like at the funeral. We decided on immediate family and Liverpool friends plus close friends who have supported us over the years. Thankfully a couple we are incredibly close to who moved to London a few years ago can come so we have asked them to come in the car with us as we don’t think we can handle going on our own. After coffee we went to order flowers for the service. This was very hard and the poor ladies in the florists were horrified at what we’d been through. We chose autumnal flowers including sunflowers and pale orange roses – bright colours to reflect how beautiful Emilie was.
This afternoon we actually had a really lovely time going for a family walk at one of our favourite places. Sam was in a really good mood and we all enjoyed ourselves. I feel that as long as I keep busy I’m ok – as soon as I sit down or have some time to reflect I’m hit full pelt by the emotions and such a strong sense of loss. In the garden centre where we went for coffee there is a children’s clothing section and as soon as I saw all the pretty pink clothes my heart leapt as I thought ‘I can buy them for my baby’. It is only then that the reality hits me – there is no baby to buy for. This sort of thing recurs so many times throughout the days and I just don’t know how to handle such strong and confusing emotions.
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