Glimpses of Hope

13^th and 27th October 2011

I feel like I’m really struggling.  I miss Emilie so much – I will be ok for a couple of hours and then my chest seizes up as if my heart is physically aching for her and the panicky feeling comes back.  I’m physically and emotionally exhausted from not sleeping and spending hours crying. I find myself staring at people with young babies and panicking when I see a pram.  I know that they are doing the things that I should be doing and am finding this incredibly painful.  I keep thinking about all of the milestones we’ll never have with Emilie – her first smile, weaning her, learning to sit up and learning to walk.  I can’t bear the thought that these are all things we won’t get to see.  

God has been speaking to me alot over the past couple of days, through the books I have been reading, and has been using these, and his word, to reassure and comfort me.  He has reminded me that he ‘will fulfil his purpose for me’ (Psalm 138:8) and that this applies to Emilie also – that her short life was not a waste or in vain and that she did have a purpose.  That I don’t know what her purpose was at present is no obstacle to God and he has reminded me that he has a plan for me to prosper me, and NOT TO HARM ME – to bring me HOPE and a future.  I need to keep clinging to this, especially when the doubts creep in.  God has also been reminding me that the voice I’ve heard accusing me of doing something to harm Emilie is NOT his voice and that I need to learn to hear and recognise his voice more.  I realise that nothing can happen without God’s knowledge and permission... ²⁹ What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin[a]? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 30 And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows (Matt 10: 29 – 31).   I need to cling to this and wait to find out how God will use what has happened for good.

Saying Goodbye

7^th October 2011

Today was Emilie’s funeral.  We have spent the week preparing for it and I think that has given us a focus.  This morning we took Sam to playgroup and went for a coffee together before picking him up, going for a lovely family lunch and taking him to Nicola’s house to look after him.  Our friends came up before the funeral and we spent some time with them chatting and praying before the car picked us up. 

I nearly had a panic attack when the car arrived and I saw Emilie’s coffin. It was white and sterile and I couldn’t bear the thought of her being inside it.  John held her in the car but I could barely look at her coffin or touch it. It was so painful.

The drive to the crematorium was long and slow and I felt sick the whole way there.  I knew that this was the time to say goodbye to Emilie and the thought felt so final.  We could see all our friends arriving at the crematorium when we arrived and I was overcome by such grief at the thought that this wasn’t a ‘normal’ thing to do.  No parent should have to have a funeral for their child and this wasn’t the way I wanted to spend time with my friends.  We should be going for coffee together with Sam and Emilie – not cremating her.

We had wanted Emilie’s funeral to be a special occasion that acknowledged her life within me and recognised her as a special child – not just another lost baby.  Our Pastor led the service and it was absolutely beautiful.  I managed to read the Eulogy which I was so proud of myself for and I know that I’ll be able to look back and be pleased that I did it.  We had barely planned anything for her funeral.  It was such an example of all of our friends coming together to do something for us.  One friend had designed the order of service with John and had arranged for it to be printed and photocopied, another friend had arranged the reception in the form of an afternoon tea and so many of our wonderful friends had baked cakes for it.  We didn’t have to think or be stressed about anything and I think this is part of what made the service and reception so special for us – it was testimony to how much people love us and how much they loved Emilie.   People kept telling us what a lovely service it was and I genuinely think this was because of the love they could feel.  It was important to us, not only to give thanks for Emilie, but the dedicate her as part of the service to acknowledge that we were giving her back to God and trusting him with her.  I thought I would find this incredibly hard but actually felt a sense of release after the funeral.  I know that I will meet her some day and that she will be waiting for me.  I can’t wait to hold her again.

Baby Steps

1^st October 2011

Today has been another hard day.  I felt so empty when I woke up and my heart felt so heavy.  I think if it wasn’t for Samuel I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed.  Things just seem so pointless.  A friend came round to see us this morning which was really helpful.  Things always seem easier when you can talk about them rather than keeping the emotions inside.  I go through moments of feeling ok and feel guilty for smiling or getting on with things and then I feel so low that I don’t know how to go on.  There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground. 

We also went to healing rooms today.  I found that really hard – it was the first time we’d been out of the house actually knowing we would see people we know and who know what we’ve been through.  Everyone was great and I know that the prayer will have done us some good – I just struggle to see how at the moment.  After healing rooms we went to pick Sam up from from our friends who had been looking after him for us.  Knowing that their new baby was in their house, no matter how much I love him, felt almost crippling for me and I was certain I wouldn’t be able to see him.  I began to panic in the car at the mere thought and felt incredibly sick.  Once inside, thought, I just felt so loved by our friends and knew that the will be able to help us get through this.  I think it will take me a while to be comfortable around him but I guess that’s all part of the healing process.

Family Time

30^th September 2011

I woke up again this morning with the familiar feeling of emptiness and brokenness.  I think the only reason I get out of bed, have a shower and make any attempt to face the day is because of Samuel – he keeps us going.  A friend took him to a toddler group this morning to give us a break and so that he can maintain some sort of normality.  We decided to go for a coffee whilst we discussed funeral arrangements.  It was a very quick coffee as being out of the house and trying to enjoy some sense of normality just didn’t feel right to me and I was very panicky.  We talked about songs, readings and who we would like at the funeral.  We decided on immediate family and Liverpool friends plus close friends who have supported us over the years.  Thankfully a couple we are incredibly close to who moved to London a few years ago can come so we have asked them to come in the car with us as we don’t think we can handle going on our own.  After coffee we went to order flowers for the service.  This was very hard and the poor ladies in the florists were horrified at what we’d been through.  We chose autumnal flowers including sunflowers and pale orange roses – bright colours to reflect how beautiful Emilie was. 

This afternoon we actually had a really lovely time going for a family walk at one of our favourite places.  Sam was in a really good mood and we all enjoyed ourselves.  I feel that as long as I keep busy I’m ok – as soon as I sit down or have some time to reflect I’m hit full pelt by the emotions and such a strong sense of loss.  In the garden centre where we went for coffee there is a children’s clothing section and as soon as I saw all the pretty pink clothes my heart leapt as I thought ‘I can buy them for my baby’.  It is only then that the reality hits me – there is no baby to buy for. This sort of thing recurs so many times throughout the days and I just don’t know how to handle such strong and confusing emotions.

Limbo

28^th September 2011

We waited in this morning for the midwife and in the meantime a friend came to see us.  Her support has been amazing and she has offered to sort out afternoon tea for the funeral.  We have been overwhelmed by the sheer volume of support we have had from friends.

When the midwife arrived I could tell that she was worried about me.  My blood pressure was still very raised and she wanted me to see a doctor in the afternoon.  She encouraged me to try and get more rest but it’s when I’m stopping and resting that things are more difficult. If I’m on the go then my mind doesn’t go over events so much.  The doctor came out in the afternoon and was absolutely lovely – so caring and supportive.  She prescribed me some sleeping tablets and explained that it’s important to try and get my blood pressure down so I will be monitored really closely over the next few weeks.

After putting Sam to bed friends who lost their little boy in similar circumstances 5 years ago came round to chat to us.  It was so good to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly what we’ve been through and to be able to cry together knowing that they totally empathise with us.  All I can focus on is having another baby and Celia explained that this is a completely normal reaction to what has happened.  They said that it takes a long time to get over what has happened and did not pretend that things would get better soon. I think their honesty has really helped us.  We sat up and chatted for a while after they had gone home and I actually felt ready to go to bed for the first time all week.