Feet Up Friday?

Is there such a thing as putting your feet up when you have a toddler? I'm not sure, but it would seem I need to find that time. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself busy and keep my mind off things but I think it's starting to take its toll and last night I could barely keep my eyes open. I think I'm emotionally exhausted as well as physically.
I popped to the supermarket yesterday afternoon and found myself foolishly picking up a pregnancy magazine. One look at the cover was enough to send me onto a blind panic in the middle of Asda. I completely lost any ability for rational thinking. The stories on the cover were things like 'dispelling fears', 'enjoying your 9 months', 'how to plan your perfect birth'. How can me fears be dispelled?! They're totally rational and founded in experience. 9 months?! More like 7 with the last trimester on bed rest-who can enjoy that?! And as for planning my perfect birth; if I'm lucky enough to avoid a c-section I'll be wired up to monitors and closely supervised with a team ready to intervene at the smallest thing. I'll never see a birthing pool and the midwifery led unit will remain a mystery to me. I realised that looking at these magazines was not going to edify me in any way. In the same way that a celeb magazine would trigger insecurities and undesirable patterns of behaviour for someone with self image issues, these magazines just force me to compare myself to women with 'normal' pregnancies, making me feel inadequate and less capable. I need to remind myself of the truths surrounding this pregnancy-I have been given a gift and I will try to do everything I can to enjoy it-enjoying it in my own way, for my own sake and this has nothing to do with the experiences other women may have. A friend who has also experienced still birth reminded me that in addition to being pregnant I am also still grieving and that I need to remember to be kind to myself.

I had counselling this morning and i spoke about obsessive patterns that I can see emerging. I feel nauseous in the mornings but in some sort of self protection thing my mind is refusing to acknowledge it and instead I'm only noticing the lower abdominal cramping in experiencing even though I know that this is normal in early pregnancy. My counsellor explained to me that my brain consists of a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. When you experience trauma, the sympathetic nervous system comes into force activating fight and flight response. Everything is overactive, stress levels are raised and it is much more difficult to normalise things. This is where I am at the moment and I need my parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation, to be more active. She discussed some breathing and relaxation techniques with me and I really hope that these eases the sense of panic and dread that I feel. I need to put aside some time each day to practise these techniques and relax......

On another note-the cake is virtually finished! I hope he enjoys it!