4.9 mm of Hope...

I went back to the hospital for my repeat scan today. I was terrified and struggled with the whole 'full bladder' thing as I was so nervous I had to go to the loo 4 times before my scan!! Dr B scanned me and straight away told me that there'd been progress since my last scan. She kept telling me that she could see the embryo but it was very tiny. She then asked if I'd had any bleeding and my heart just sank....
Minutes later she said 'there's the heart beat. I'm very, very happy-it's a viable pregnancy'. I can't believe it! I feel like I can finally say 'I'm pregnant' and took great joy in calling my wonderful friend to tell her straight away. We have been through 2 premature births, a still birth and 3 miscarriages between us and she understands better than anyone what I'm experiencing. What a joy to be able to finally tell her!
I'm still feeling pretty scared if I'm honest but it says in black and white in my notes 'crown to rump length 4.9 mm' 'fetal heart action seen'. It IS real and it IS happening to me.
I've started my fragmin injections tonight-ouch! I'm making a point of taking joy in each sharp scratch of the needle-it's one day closer to meeting my baby!!

Protection

A while ago, someone told me that she'd had a picture of a special sheep pen.  She said that it was surrounded by thorns and brambles to keep predators out and to keep the sheep safe. She said that this is what she felt it would be like for us when I became pregnant - that I would be protected from things that could harm us and would be safe. I wanted to find an illustration of such a sheep pen but really struggled and then last week, on a particularly low day, I found this.....


When I first looked at it I was struck by how thorny the surrounding pen was - I couldn't imagine anything being able to get in without a fight to harm the sheep.  But then I noticed the gap in the fence and my heart sank.  Predators would just be able to walk in and harm the sheep - this wasn't protection at all.  I read on and learnt that the open space at the side of the pen is where the shepherd sleeps to protect the flock.  I found this absolutely amazing and am clinging on to it. I have got the photo saved as the wallpaper on my phone so that each time I use my phone I am reminded of it.  The link to the blog where I found this is http://becomingbubbalooch.blogspot.com/2011/05/whats-sheeps-gate.html.

If I Only Had a Heart....

Today was a big day. I didn't sleep last night. I booked in at the hospital and went through all of my medical and antenatal history. My appointment was 45 minutes late and I had to sit in a normal waiting room full of pregnant women listening to the TV voice over talking about the joy of pregnancy. It was a long, angry 45 minutes.
I then went through to see Dr B. She was great and told us how pleased she was for us. She explained that a scan is needed to confirm viability before I can start the fragmin injections but that it may be too early to detect anything-did I want the scan now or in a week? I was terrified but decided that now would at least have a chance of reassuring me. She first did a transabdominal ultra sound & could detect the gestation sac & yolk sac but no heart beat so tried trans-vaginally. Still no heart beat.
Dr B has been my consultant for three years now and I trust her. She reassured me saying there is a pregnancy there and I'm not imagining it but that it's probably too early and too tiny to detect a heart beat. Inspite of how much I trust her, I can't help but feel heartbroken again. I worry that the baby stopped growing a few days ago and that's why it's too tiny. I can't help but feel terrified. I've got to go back in 2 weeks for another scan.
I guess I have to cling onto the fact that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.....

Feet Up Friday?

Is there such a thing as putting your feet up when you have a toddler? I'm not sure, but it would seem I need to find that time. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself busy and keep my mind off things but I think it's starting to take its toll and last night I could barely keep my eyes open. I think I'm emotionally exhausted as well as physically.
I popped to the supermarket yesterday afternoon and found myself foolishly picking up a pregnancy magazine. One look at the cover was enough to send me onto a blind panic in the middle of Asda. I completely lost any ability for rational thinking. The stories on the cover were things like 'dispelling fears', 'enjoying your 9 months', 'how to plan your perfect birth'. How can me fears be dispelled?! They're totally rational and founded in experience. 9 months?! More like 7 with the last trimester on bed rest-who can enjoy that?! And as for planning my perfect birth; if I'm lucky enough to avoid a c-section I'll be wired up to monitors and closely supervised with a team ready to intervene at the smallest thing. I'll never see a birthing pool and the midwifery led unit will remain a mystery to me. I realised that looking at these magazines was not going to edify me in any way. In the same way that a celeb magazine would trigger insecurities and undesirable patterns of behaviour for someone with self image issues, these magazines just force me to compare myself to women with 'normal' pregnancies, making me feel inadequate and less capable. I need to remind myself of the truths surrounding this pregnancy-I have been given a gift and I will try to do everything I can to enjoy it-enjoying it in my own way, for my own sake and this has nothing to do with the experiences other women may have. A friend who has also experienced still birth reminded me that in addition to being pregnant I am also still grieving and that I need to remember to be kind to myself.

I had counselling this morning and i spoke about obsessive patterns that I can see emerging. I feel nauseous in the mornings but in some sort of self protection thing my mind is refusing to acknowledge it and instead I'm only noticing the lower abdominal cramping in experiencing even though I know that this is normal in early pregnancy. My counsellor explained to me that my brain consists of a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. When you experience trauma, the sympathetic nervous system comes into force activating fight and flight response. Everything is overactive, stress levels are raised and it is much more difficult to normalise things. This is where I am at the moment and I need my parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation, to be more active. She discussed some breathing and relaxation techniques with me and I really hope that these eases the sense of panic and dread that I feel. I need to put aside some time each day to practise these techniques and relax......

On another note-the cake is virtually finished! I hope he enjoys it!