Tuesday 23 July 2013

1 Year, 9 Months, 28 Days.....

1 year, 9 months and 28 days...
95 weeks
667 days
16,008 hours
I should have a nearly 2 year old now. A walking, talking, temper tantrum throwing, food refusing nearly 2 year old.
I can't believe how quickly the past year and 10 months have gone. From the sheer torture and pain of grief to learning what a 'new normal' is, rebuilding our lives and now moving forward in what we believe the plans for our futures are.
There are parts of the past (nearly) 2 years that I simply can't remember. There are huge chunks of cloudy and blurred memories and I struggle to work out timescales or order of events over, certainly the first half of, the last 2 years.
That blurriness and haziness has gone now but the pain and loss are still there on a daily basis; not as close to the surface as they were and much easier to manage but still there. Pregnancy announcements still sting as we try hard to grieve the loss of the dream of a bigger family and learn to be content with one biological child but we are gradually learning this contentment. It is not something that will come over night and, as my closest friends will know, there are days when I am at peace with the finality of the situation and other days when the pain creeps up on me unawares and I will have a day, or days, of seemingly unexplained emptiness before realising that there may actually be a trigger; maybe the approach of an anniversary of loss, another due date come and gone, a hospital appointment, negative test results, the thought of the 'what could have been' moments.




And then something happened in our lives about 2 months ago to make us sit back and reassess the situation. We felt God whispering into our lives to trust him as our lives took a very unexpected turn and so we began, once again, on a path that we hadn't chosen for ourselves. It is a path that still has the potential to cause us immense pain but is also a path where we have already seen incredible blessings and joy poured out into our lives. At the point of this event we both, independently to each other, came to the same decision; a decision that could have been shattering to the other had it not, as we believe, been a God inspired decision. We decided to stop trying for a baby and we are at peace with our decision.
I can't fully explain this sense of peace as it does not take away the pain (and sometimes jealousy) that I feel but it reassures me that we are exactly where we are meant to be at the moment. This point is also something that has taken me 1 year, 9 months and 28 days to get to and I am glad to finally be here.
We still need all the people around us who have supported us over the past (nearly) 2 years and who have helped us to be accountable to them. We need reminding of God's timing, of His plan, of the sense of peace we have felt with our decision, of words that have been given to us and of where we have come from to get to this point. But most of all I need reminding that 1 year, 9 months and 28 days is not long enough for people to forget our daughter.





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