Wednesday, 14 November 2012

My path

I've been feeling quite overwhelmed recently by the inexorable passing of time. Weeks are flying by and merging into months and babies are being born left, right and centre. And here I am still suffering from amenorrhea - the absence of menstrual periods and, as a result, the absence of ovulation which, obviously, is what is needed for pregnancy. I feel ok about it. Today. Last week was hard. No two days are the same, I find, and some days I am much more able to deal with things than others. I'm starting to get my head around the possibility of never having another baby. Of never experiencing pregnancy again. I can't accept this - I would love another baby and would be lying if I said I wouldn't. However, if I live every day focussing on the fact that I may or may not get pregnant I could possibly lose my
mind. For me to isn't even 'month after month' of disappointment. Instead it is a constant state of waiting and hoping that something might happen and, as it happens, I haven't experienced 'unstimulated ovulation' - ovulation without medication - for nearly a year. It's scary when I say it like that. So I sometimes wonder what is the point of hoping any more? But then I was reminded of a story at Church on Sunday. The story is of Abraham and Sarah. They were childless and old (very old!) and Sarah was infertile yet God had told Abraham that he would be the father of many nations. Impossible, when they had no children.
One day they were visited by three people who told Abraham that they would return this time the following year and Sarah would have a son. Abraham and Sarah thought this was impossible. Sarah even laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. They had tried to solve the problem themselves prior to this and Abraham had had a son with Sarah's servant - but this had caused them further problems. Now here they both were, incredibly old, and being told that they would have a son. I can't imagine how that must have felt. And sure enough, against the odds, Sarah became pregnant and had a son - Isaac.
I think about women who've come before me who have experienced infertility and baby/infant loss and how difficult it must have been for them to watch person after person announce pregnancies when they remained childless. I wonder how it must feel when they finally come out of that position of infertility and loss and finally have their baby. I don't know if this is something I will ever experience. I do know, however, that other doors are opening for me. I don't know if we'll be approved for foster care at this time or not, but I know that we both feel very strongly that it is something we should be perusing at the moment.

This week a friend quoted a verse from the following passage on Facebook:
John 18 "Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” 19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”
20 Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”
22 Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”
It is a passage that was used in a conference talk that I attended earlier this year. I have spoken with friends about it a number of times since. I'm not sure what feelings this evokes in me; It makes me quite emotional every time I hear or read it.
There was a time, not so long ago, that I felt life was a lottery system. That God would dole out good things to some people and pain to others and I even questioned what I had done to deserve the pain. There are still times when I get angry. When I wonder why I have to endure this every single day but there hasn't been a time that I haven't felt God's presence in the situation. I know that this path is hard and I sometimes hate it but it is my path. Putting it simply, I have learnt the hard way that there is nothing to be gained from trying to follow a path that isn't meant for me. When I think about the months upon months that I have stressed about getting pregnant it now seems ridiculous to me. I knew that I suffered from infertility and have known for years yet I treated myself like someone who didn't, expecting to fall pregnant quickly and easily and then becoming angry at myself and at God when I didn't. Yet I carried on with this frame of mind. I can see now that this wasn't the right thing to do - the right thing for me. Yes, I still want a baby. Yes, there are still some days when it is all I can think about, but those days are becoming less. I have my own path to follow and at the moment I feel that this path involves foster care. I don't know if I will ever fall pregnant again - and even if I do, with the problems I have there are no guarantees that I will have a baby at the end of it. I am gradually learning that obsessing, comparing, worrying and reading up on the problems I have will change none of this. God knows what the desire of my heart is and I need to learn to trust him and follow my own path.
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