'Hope' and 'Waiting' are two things I've been thinking about alot the past week. I've spoken alot about the Biblical definition of hope and what it means to me at the moment but the thing I really struggle with is the waiting. I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying look to God when I'm struggling but it's hard. Last week, with some support, I decided to take a break from doing the ovulation tests. I was becoming completely obsessed and thoughts of testing were filling my every waking moment. I even know that, as I have PCOS, the results of the tests can be adversely affected but all I could see was the negative results and that was it. All of a sudden, each morning, every ounce of hope was taken from me as the kits read negative and I wasn't able to see past this - I had no idea how I would possibly get pregnant.
I have found stopping taking the tests incredibly hard. The first couple of days if I was sat down doing nothing I would would struggle with not being able to go and take a test and I would find myself trawling the internet searching for other people for whom tests had consistently read negative. On Monday I had a moment of realistion - looking at pregnancy forums, speaking with other women with PCOS and comparing my cycle to theirs was not going to make any difference. I was diagnosed with PCOS nearly 7 years ago - I know that I have very long, irregular and often anovulatory cycles; this isn't something new so I should have realized that no amount of obsession was going to make any difference. As a result I've decided to try and look at positives in this situation: I know that I have got pregnant 3 times. It possibly hasn't been in our timing but it has happened. I know that I have a happy and healthy 3 year old. My pregnancy with him was far from normal and very stressful but he is here and is fine! I know that, apart from the miscarriage, I have been ok in 1st and 2nd trimester and have only had real problems in 3rd trimester so if I can get pregnant and get to 28 weeks I'll be doing well and the baby will stand a very good chance by then. It's just the getting pregnant stage that I need to get through....
...And this brings me back to the waiting. Until I'm pregnant there is nothing I can do. We feel like we are in a constant state of limbo - a constant state of waiting and hoping, hoping and waiting. That's when I came across this blog: http://www.hopeinthewaiting.com/. It is written by a lady who, after 3 years of infertility, suffered a still birth, late miscarriage and 2 early miscarriages. Yet she is still able to say "My story has been filled with unbelievable heartache, but I choose to trust and believe in a God that knows how the story ultimately ends. I have the amazing privilege to be a mom of 4 children. 2 in heaven and 2 on earth. I wouldn't trade that for the world." God know's how our story ends and I need to trust that His timing is perfect, even if it's different to my timing. I just hope He doesn't make us wait much longer - He's really making my work on my patience and address my OCD ! ;)
Think of you often Claire, in your waiting, hoping, clinging onto what bits of His word seem real and bring hope. You are so precious to Him, just as Emilie was and is to you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love Hannah x