Rainbow breaking through...

On Sunday I taught at our church's Kidzone - like Sunday School. We started a new topic; 'Heroes of Faith' and I taught on Noah. All week Sam has been asking about Noah. He has a couple of Noah's ark toys and so learning about Noah has got his attention! He has been asking alot of questions about the significance of the rainbow. It had fascinated him and there's no doubt in his mind that God keeps his promises and the rainbow is a symbol of that.
Fast forward 30 years or so - do I still have that childlike faith? Possibly not. I've been struggling the past week or so but am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I'm finding that the times of real struggling are getting fewer and further between and are easier to recover from, but they still hurt. Sam's asking about the significance of the rainbow has got me thinking. There are times when I feel that God doesn't keep his promises because here I am suffering from infertility and having lost three babies in the space of a year, and missing my beautiful Emilie. But then I remember that God's promise was never that I wouldn't suffer - it was that in my suffering I would know that he is near. This is one of my favourite verses: 'When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.' (Isaiah 43:2) and I can list many verses that promise me the same thing:
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.";
Psalm 23:4 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.';
Isaiah 41:10 'So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.'..... And the list goes on.
I can honestly say that I truly believe that God has kept these promises and know that, inspite of how dark things have got, he has been the one constant throughout all of this. There is a term 'rainbow baby' which refers to babies born after a stillbirth. For me the symbol of the rainbow has another meaning. Like the people in Noah's time and Sam with his childlike faith, the rainbow reminds me that no matter what, God is holding on to me and won't let me go.


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.....and weep with those who weep....

Romans 12:15 (NLT)
Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.......

This is a difficult post to write but something that I feel I need to share. Anyone who has experienced any form of infertility and/or pregnancy/infant loss will be aware of the term 'marker baby'. A marker baby is a baby due or born at the same time as your baby was due/born or your IVF/IUI procedure baby was due. I have many marker babies for Emilie and marker babies for my first miscarriage who have just been born or are due imminently and I adore them. Don't get me wrong, it was initially very hard, but in time and with the support of my friends I was able to bond with and enjoy these babies. The support aspect is vital though. There is no way someone can experience infant loss, or pregnancy loss, and be instantly truly happy and accepting of other peoples situations if the news is not shared in a sensitive manner or if the truth is blurred. There are now marker babies for my second miscarriage growing and developing and there is a very selfish part of me that wishes it was me. Seem good friends of ours are expecting a baby at the same time as I was and they came to dinner to tell us the news. I could tell that it was hard for them to tell us. My friend wrote me a letter - which I treasure - talking about how much she valued our friendship but understood if we need space at any point. Over the past year they have truly wept with us and have sat in the dust with us as we experience the pain. We are able to rejoice in their news with them and, even though there may be difficult times to come, we know that our friendship will survive this.
Each time someone announces a pregnancy I feel a real need to rejoice with them and have started to even feel that this is my duty as a Christian. I think that this is a dangerous place to be. I was reading Roman's 12:15 and there it is, written down for me: "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep". I have found rejoicing very hard over the past year but have tried my best, as have our friends tried to weep with us.
I often think the rejoicing is easy, isn't it? If people around you are happy their happiness rubs off on you. It's infectious. In the same way if people are grief stricken their sadness can rub off on you too. It's an uncomfortable feeling and the natural thing to do is to want to get away from that grief. Why, after all, would you want to feel that way? I know that our friends have stepped out of their comfort zone to weep with us even though it is uncomfortable for them. For this I am so grateful.

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Autumn

Autumn is my absolute favourite season. I love the weather, the colours, being able to wear my boots, going out for walks, the evenings drawing in and autumn TV schedules! This year I've felt a sense of emptiness as autumn draws in and it's dawned on me why today. I love this time of year and remember taking Sam out conker hunting this time last year. This week actually and possibly even this day. I was so tired and run down that I drove the short distance needed to find conkers and didn't stay long but he loved it. It is one of my last memories of doing something nice before Emilie died.
This week, on the way home from school, we noticed empty conker shells along the road and my heart physically hurt. I felt like I couldn't take any joy in the beautiful colours around us and the excitement of autumn activities. For the first time in memory I felt like staying indoors and ignoring autumn as it creeps towards us. And then I spent some time reflecting this afternoon....
Emilie's birthday is now less than a week away. I'm trying to call it her birthday as the word 'anniversary' seems so formal. She was born - she had a birth-day and we have decided that we'd like to celebrate. We are going away as a family for the week and I have bought ingredients to make a yummy cake. Sam has asked to make a card. And why shouldn't we celebrate? We had so many hopes and dreams for her and even though we don't get to see her achieve them she was still our daughter - she still brought joy into our lives - and we don't want the day to go by without remembering that.




Because of Emilie we have learnt what is important and spend more time together as a family. We have learnt who our friends are and have developed and built on some amazing friendships over the past year. We have learnt a lot about ourselves and have realised that our marriage, and each other as individuals, are a lot stronger than we could have imagined. Most of all, though, I think that we have learnt to appreciate what we have and in all honesty that's possibly only happened fully since the last miscarriage. I thought that miscarrying so close to Emilie's anniversary would finish us off but instead we've come back fighting, stronger than ever and ready to move on with our lives.

So, back to autumn. I think that this time of year is always going to evoke painful memories but I don't think there is a more beautiful time of year to remember our daughter. There is a temptation to see autumn as a time of hopelessness with only a long, cold winter to look forward to and I think that's where I was earlier this week. But I stumbled across this quote this afternoon: "IN AUTUMN'S vibrant colors there are reminders of summer's fullness of life , of winter's impending bleakness, and of the prospect of spring not far beyond. Autumn compels us to think about life's transience and continuity all in one..." (Allen M. Young, Small Creatures and Ordinary Places). Since Emilie's death, one of the things I've found the hardest is how quickly life seems to go by, how we seem to have been in a constant state of pain and how other people's lives have whizzed by around us. This is always going to be a difficult thing for us, I think, but I have realised that we can't stay in this place of grief and waiting forever. Life continues and so do we need to. Maybe our time to solely mourn has passed (although we will always desperately miss Emilie and nothing will replace her) and now we are entering a new season and a new time with new challenges and new rewards...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NLT)
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.





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Another day - another miscarriage...

Well, it's been a while since I posted on here. The reason for this is that I found out my IUI had worked but didn't want to 'go public'. We were elated. It seemed like such perfect timing - just in time for my miscarriage due date and Emilie's anniversary in a couple of weeks. It separated this pregnancy from my other losses perfectly and seemed to be making the (difficult) month of September more bearable. Things seemed to be going well; I could feel myself growing and I felt sick and exhausted. Beyond exhausted actually. And then the bleeding started. Again.
I tried to ride it out and wait until my scan appointment next week but the pain became so bad that I couldn't ignore it and had to go to the EPAU.
I cried uncontrollably and the medical professionals filled up with me as they prodded my stomach, noted the amount of pain I was in, noted the amount of blood around my cervix and the fact that my cervix was open - and swollen. They then began to act very quickly due to the risk of ectopic pregnancy. I was told I'd be admitted until I could be scanned but thankfully an emergency scan spot became available. As I waited for my DH to arrive I was ushered out of cubicles and towards my scan before having a huge breakdown in the corridor. I couldn't go for a scan by myself and suddenly began to lose the plot. I am so grateful for my maternity hospital. The staff are amazing and I was escorted down to the scan room by a lovely nurse before DH arrived. I informed the sonographer of my history to forewarn her of any possible breakdowns I might have but managed to hold it together pretty well. An onlooker might think differently!
She scanned for what seemed like an age before confirming that, thankfully, it wasn't ectopic but judging by the size of things I had lost the baby in the past week or so.

So now we're back to waiting.

I listened to this song last night and wanted to post the lyrics. This is how I feel...

JJ Heller - 'Your Hands'

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands

Pin Cushion

So I'm feeling a little bit like a pin cushion having had 2 weeks of Menopur injections to try and stimulate my ovaries. The good news is it's finally worked and now we're trusting that the medics know what they're doing in timing the IUI procedure. So much trust is needed and I don't have much left. Last week someone said to me that it is God I need to trust as he has the final say. I'll be honest, I'm finding it really hard. So much has happened over the last 2 years or so to challenge my trust and I find myself asking 'why?'.
My community has been rocked over the past 2 months with the critical illness of an 8 year old boy. The doctors have now said that there is nothing else that can be done for him yet his parents and friends still cling to their faith knowing that God is bigger. I don't know what the outcome of the situation will be but I do know that Jesus said (Matthew 5:45 (NLT))
'...he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike'. We were never promised an easy ride but we were promised that God would be with us in times of adversity and difficulty.
(Isaiah 43:2 (NLT))
'When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you'. I am completely in awe of the little boy's family's faith and trust in God.
Recently I have found my prayers changing from begging for pregnancy to reminding God what the desire of my heart is and asking him to allow what's best for us to happen. I have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember. I work with children and I sometimes prefer being around children to adults (!). It's who I am and what I do and everyone knows that. Had Emilie survived we would probably be looking into foster care by now which is something we've always wanted to do; we have been desperate to make a difference in the lives of children who need it. So, we have made the decision to look into foster care now anyway regardless of where we are in the treatment journey. I feel like we could put our lives on hold forever but for us it's been over 2 years of waiting and hoping and I feel that we're ready to move forwards. Don't get me wrong - the desire of my heart is still to be pregnant and have our own baby but foster care has always been the long term plan for us. And why wait?...

Over the Edge...

Today I did an abseil! It has been in the diary for a couple of months and I'll admit, as much as I love outdoor pursuits I was kind of hoping I'd have a reason not to do it in which case John would have done it in my place. But all that said, I'm so glad I got to do it! I've had a really difficult week this week knowing that my treatment hasn't worked again but knowing that I'd get to do something that I wouldn't be able to do if I was pregnant has been a little light at the end of the tunnel!
You can find out more about the amazing work 'Streetwise', who we were fundraising for, does here: http://www.streetwiseproject.com/ and you can sponsor us here: http://www.justgiving.com/Streetwiseabseil
And here I am - a dot on the edge of a cliff face!

A friend came to see me last night to have a catch up about how I was getting on. We chatted about Emilie, about heaven, and about how much I long to see her again. We talked about how I feel when I see Sam devastated because he has lost or broken something and how much I long to make things ok for him. She reminded me that God feels exactly the same about me, even though it sometimes may not feel like it. She encouraged me to defer God's promises for my life back to him and to focus on his character not as a punishing, vengeful God but as a loving father. I found this last night when I couldn't sleep and it reflected perfectly what my friend had spoken to me about so I wanted to share it:
My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

Memories...

Today marks a year since we found out we were having a little girl. And here she is...




Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or miss her. I miss everything about her and even find myself missing the 'should have been moments'. She would be 9 months old next week and should be sitting up, crawling and keeping me on her toes in the way her big brother did. But I don't have those memories. Instead I have memories of her mannerisms and personality when I was pregnant with her; Her sheer defiance at remaining in the uncomfortable positions she would curl into; Her fighter spirit to survive as long as she did in spite of all of the problems she had; her dainty little fingers and toes and the way her tiny mouth looked; the way it felt to hold her. I remember the joy I felt when I found out I was having a little girl. I made a dress for her a couple of weeks later and bought tiny pink outfits that sit unworn in her memory box.





We decorated her room in a jungle theme and the 3 of us made a handprint tree for her - our stamp on her room.




These are the things that I want to remember - not the trauma of the day she died or the despondency of the weeks and months to follow, but the special memories I have of my beautiful little girl. Every day that goes by is a day less for me to wait to see her again. I can't wait until that day.




I really hope that one day we can tell her baby brother or sister about their amazing big sister with a fighting spirit. I long for that day too.....

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"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts.....and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."

Today a friend lost her baby at 16 weeks. Why does it happen? I can't stop thinking about her and what she will be going through over the coming days, weeks and months; of the wilderness she and her husband will feel. But because of what I've been through I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day we get up and make that decision to carry on. To move forward. We're still standing somehow and I know that my friends will get through too. But it's the pain they'll be feeling now that seems unbearable and overwhelming. It is like running a series of marathons. You wake up knowing that you have to carry on but everything in you screams for you to stop. The pain and fear are overwhelming and the desire for it all to stop is crippling. And that's where they'll be right now.
I often ask God why He allowed Emilie to die and last night, before I knew about my friend's baby, I cried myself to sleep for the first time in ages. I got angry at God and asked him why he was letting me go through this. Why aren't I pregnant and why does my fertility treatment not seem to be working. I was reminded of this verse: '"for my thoughts are nothing like your thoughts" says the Lord "and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."'. This blew my mind. I don't know why we have to go through these trails but I do know that God is in control. I don't know why he allows such terrible things to happen but I do know that he has a plan for my life and this is only a snapshot of it. Whilst right now this will be no comfort to my friend, because of Emilie's death I have an understanding of how she will fenland what she will be enduring that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I know that, although the pain never goes away, things get easier - your capacity increases. I hope that this will be some comfort to people reading this who are in that wilderness time. I don't know the answers and I wish I did but I trust that one day the situations will be turned around.
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Breaking through

The sun's been shining the past few days and the weather's lovely and warm! Isn't it funny how this weather can make you feel so much better?

Or maybe it's not the weather at all? I attended a conference at the weekend. The title was 'what's your story?' I was absolutely dreading it and even entertained the idea of not going at all. I don't know why. Was I scared of breaking down, of not being able to hold it together or of being completely closed and angry and getting nothing from it. I'm not sure but I really didn't want to go.
I have amazing friends who I spoke to about my concerns and I knew that I could trust them completely and not have to worry about being honest in front of them. This is something I often worry about - I worry that my pain will make other people uncomfortable and they'll isolate themselves from me. This didn't happen though.
One of the speakers at the conference had lost a baby boy in very similar circumstances to Emilie's death. Her story and the way she dealt with things had a massive impact on me and something has clicked in me this week. I am still desperate for a baby. I still want to be pregnant now and pray for a miracle but I feel strangely at peace with the way things are at the moment.
I'm thankful for my amazing friends, for my husband and beautiful little boy and for this gorgeous weather. I'm thankful for all the amazing people God's put in my life to support me through this!

Another knock...

We found out today, for certain, that our fertility treatment hasn't worked this cycle. It's so hard to keep getting back up after being knocked down so many times. I have been thinking about this this week - a friend shared it with me:

Psalm 143:4-6 (NLT)
4I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. 5I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done.

I know it's true. I can see what God has done. I have just come back from taking Sam to the toilet before bed. I had to prize a butterfly hand puppet off his hand before lifting him out of bed and it made me smile. As I lifted him up, I was struck by what a miracle he is. The news at the hospital is so unbelievably bleak at the moment that I can't understand how I possible got pregnant with him and how he survived the pregnancy. I look at photos of Emilie and wonder at the miracle of getting pregnant with her naturally. And that brings me back to today. Hearing the words from the sonographer 'looking at the results from your scans there's no indication that this cycle will be ovulatory. I think we need to call it a day and cancel this cycle'. What a blow. Back to square 1 and needing to increase my meds. It feels like it's not what I need at the moment at all. I know that I'm overcome with fear, this is completely out of my control and that scares me. I am scared that they'll have cancelled this cycle too early & that I would have ovulated. There's no way of knowing if that will/would happen and that makes me feel uneasy. I am struggling to trust the medical professionals and I'm struggling to trust that God knows what is best for me. I need to cling onto that scripture and remember what God has done. Heaven seems completely silent for us at the moment so remembering and clinging is all I have left.