Today a friend lost her baby at 16 weeks. Why does it happen? I can't stop thinking about her and what she will be going through over the coming days, weeks and months; of the wilderness she and her husband will feel. But because of what I've been through I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day we get up and make that decision to carry on. To move forward. We're still standing somehow and I know that my friends will get through too. But it's the pain they'll be feeling now that seems unbearable and overwhelming. It is like running a series of marathons. You wake up knowing that you have to carry on but everything in you screams for you to stop. The pain and fear are overwhelming and the desire for it all to stop is crippling. And that's where they'll be right now.
I often ask God why He allowed Emilie to die and last night, before I knew about my friend's baby, I cried myself to sleep for the first time in ages. I got angry at God and asked him why he was letting me go through this. Why aren't I pregnant and why does my fertility treatment not seem to be working. I was reminded of this verse: '"for my thoughts are nothing like your thoughts" says the Lord "and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."'. This blew my mind. I don't know why we have to go through these trails but I do know that God is in control. I don't know why he allows such terrible things to happen but I do know that he has a plan for my life and this is only a snapshot of it. Whilst right now this will be no comfort to my friend, because of Emilie's death I have an understanding of how she will fenland what she will be enduring that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I know that, although the pain never goes away, things get easier - your capacity increases. I hope that this will be some comfort to people reading this who are in that wilderness time. I don't know the answers and I wish I did but I trust that one day the situations will be turned around.
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