Sam was about one when we started talking about having another baby. We had always wanted children very close together but the problems we had had with Sam had made that less likely for us. When we started talking about things, John was a lot more keen than me. I was still suffering the trauma of having Sam (and later found out that I had post traumatic stress) and was scared of going through prematurity, and all of the problems that came with it, again. I was also very happy working and, looking back, know that work was a distraction and an excuse for not getting pregnant again. I even remember thinking that I was happy with just Sam and told John that, although I'd like another baby, I never wanted to be pregnant again! John wasn't content with calling it a day though and I knew deep down that neither was I. We were in the process of moving house at the time so decided to get that out of the way and then rethink the situation. Once again I was seeing babies everywhere, my friends had begun to get started on baby number two and people who had been married for less time than us were having their families. I was beginning to feel left behind and knew that it was time to start moving forward from the experience we had had with Sam.
We met with some good friends for dinner and spoke about how we were feeling. I was terrified of not being able to love another child as much as I loved Sam. I was worried about the possibility of our new baby being in special care and/or being disabled as a result of pregnancy difficulties and how this would affect Sam and any future children we might have. When Sam had been in special care we met a number of other families and a couple of them had older children. It seemed so hard to juggle their lives and attention between the older children and their siblings in special care and I couldn't work out how we would possibly do this. SCBU was all consuming and I wanted all my attention to go on Sam and not on a hypothetical baby that may or may not come into existence. Our friends helped us to understand that all of our feelings and fears were normal with uneventful pregnancies, let alone with high risk pregnancies that demanded so much time and attention. They helped us realise that love wasn't something than ran out or had to be split between two children, but was something that was renewed and came in abundance so that each child was loved unconditionally but often in different ways. The concept of unconditional love, for both children, is something I've only understood since Emilie's death in that I love her, regardless of what she can or can't give me. I will never, in this lifetime, get cuddles and kisses, cards, presents or loving words from her yet I adore her inspite of this. And so, with a sense of trepidation we decided to make a pre pregnancy counselling appointment with our consultant so that we could start trying for another baby. We were reminded, at the appointment, of the action plan and medications that would see us through any future pregnancies and were advised to contact our consultant as soon as we found out I was pregnant. A referral up to the fertility centre was also made for us so that we didn't have to go through months of trying without ovulation. We returned home hope filled and expectant to fall pregnant straight away in the way we had with Sam. That wasn't to happen.
Since having Samuel I had only had a couple of periods which hadn't bothered me at the time but once we were trying for another baby it, once again, began to consume me. Months went by without anything happening and then, shortly before Sam's second birthday, I began to experience the tell tale pains that signified that start of my period. We were at the birthday party of one of Sam's friends when the pains started. It was a strangely bitter sweet feeling - I knew that it meant that something remotely normal was happening with my body but it was also categorical proof that I wasn't pregnant. I was gutted.
The weeks went by again after my period without anything happening and once again the weeks turned to months and I continued to throw myself into work. My business partner and close friend, Faye, was also trying for a baby at the time and had been for a couple of years so we were both strangely comforted by each other's struggles. As more friends announced their pregnancies we both remained significantly not pregnant. We both had appointments at the fertility clinic within a couple of weeks of each other. Faye had her appointment first and received clomid to take at day one of her next cycle. A couple of weeks later I had my appointment to receive my tests results from my referral at the end of the previous year. I sat in front of the doctor as she looked at my notes and told me quite simply that my test results indicated that I wasn't ovulating and would need to receive medication to induce a withdrawal bleed before having clomid to trigger ovulation. I naively expected to be given the medication there and then and was distraught when I was told that another appointment would be made for me to see a consultant and receive the correct treatment plan. My appointment date was 2 months in the future.
I drove home in a blur of tears and anger just wishing that, for once, my body would do something normal. I arrived home where Faye was still working and poured my heart out to her. I knew that pregnancy would be difficult for me and didn't understand why it had to be so difficult for me to even get pregnant in the first place. It just didn't seem fair. I felt for Faye who had been trying a lot longer than I had at the time and had also suffered a miscarriage. I couldn't imagine longing for a baby and then having that baby taken away from you before having to endure years of unsuccessfully trying for a baby. I longed for her to be pregnant as much as I longed for myself to be pregnant.
Feeling very low and tired I decided to make myself a doctors appointment to talk about what as going on. Once again, I sat in the doctor's room and cried. The previous 2 1/2 years or so had been so incredibly hard and had been taken up with either trying for a baby, enduring a high risk pregnancy and special care and caring for a baby with severe feeding difficulties. Once that had become more easy we had thrown ourselves straight back into the emotional merry go round and I was exhausted. As I was physically and emotionally exhausted, my doctor explained that he felt it was best that I didn't commence fertility treatment at that time due to how draining it can be. He suggested that we try naturally for a bit longer before deciding what to do from there and ran a pregnancy test for completeness as I hadn't had a period for a few months. He agreed with me, however, that it was likely to be negative but in the middle of work four days later on 22 March 2012 the phone rang. It was one of the GPs from the surgery who called with the surprise news that I was pregnant! She needed to book me an appointment as soon as possible to start my treatment plan and get me booked into hospital and referred back to my consultant. Coming off the phone my shaky demeanor gave me away and Faye was the first person to find out our news. I could tell that, inspite of her desires, she was truly happy for us. I was terrified. I called John when work had calmed down and asked him, jokingly, how he thought we would afford two children. His reaction showed sheer delight.
A week later I woke up in the middle of the night with alot of abdominal pain and cramping I tried to sleep it off but couldn't take my mind off it. The pain continued throughout work the following day and I decided that I needed to go to hospital to get checked out. Once there I was checked over thoroughly and was asked the usual questions - was I experiencing bleeding? How severe was the pain? Was I experiencing any dizziness. I had an internal examination which confirmed that my cervix was closed so I was given pain killers and was booked in for a scan the following morning. I went home terrified of losing the baby. I'd seen friends go through miscarriages and was certain that if I miscarried I wouldn't be able to handle it. We arranged for Faye to have half of the childcare children the following morning and for me to pick the other half up after my scan, as long as things were ok. I was annoyed at myself and at the situation. I hated letting parents down and, as my scan was late, sat in the waiting room sending numerous update text messages to parents to continuously apologise for the time that was ticking over. Finally my name was called and we went down to the scan room. I nervously lay on the bed while the scan took. Virtually straight away the sonographer confirmed "there's a good, strong heart beat, you're 5 weeks and 6 days". I couldn't believe it-I was certain that I'd lost the baby. The pain still continued but no cause could be found. We returned home reassured and clutching the scan picture of our tiny bean on which you could see the tiny flicker of heart beat that had been miraculously caught on the screen snap image as it had been made.
The Easter holidays came as a very welcome break to work and I sat round at Faye's house one evening to complete our tax returns. Knowing that I would be finishing work very early (in the July) to rest I decided that I would speak to Faye about keeping the accounts once I had finished. I was worried about what a sensitive issue it would be. I desperately wanted her to be pregnant and felt guilty at her potentially having to continue working without me. "When I finish," I began, "I don't mind still helping you out with the accounts - just until you've got your head around it?". Faye smiled at me. "That's great but it won't be for long...". Straight away I knew why she meant. We were to be pregnant together - I couldn't believe it. I was so excited for her and so excited for us, as friends, to be going through our pregnancies together. Our 12 week scans confirmed that there was a week between us. I was due on 23rd November and Faye on 1st December. There was no question of it in my mind - our babies would grow up spending time together and being great friends. Nothing could have made me happier.
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