Over the past 18 months or so they have been supporting me (not a writer!) with getting my story down on paper to share. The original idea was to self publish to raise funds for research into the causes of stillbirth. I wrote 30,000 words which, for me, was a huge amount. Over the past year, since the arrival of our foster daughter, I have found finding the physical and emotional space to write more difficult so have slowed down significantly. At the moment I can't imagine finding the time to finish my story or be able to self publish but I desperately want to share my story.
After much thought I have decided to share it here, in chunks - or chapters - over a period of time. Hopefully this will help me gauge response and reaction and, once I get to the end of what I've already written, it might spur me on to finish my story through writing in small sections.
Here is my first instalment:
July 2008
Defying the Odds
We sat in the scan room as the sonographer waved the ultrasound wand over my tummy. Even when you have no reason to fear, every scan brings the element of dread with it - the 'what if?'. The image of the baby appeared on the screen and the sonographer very quickly reassured us "there's the heart beat" before carrying on checking things and taking measurements. We could see their head, the shape of their profile, their tiny arms and legs, their hands and feet. We could see the baby moving about in amniotic fluid and reaching and stretching. Perfectly formed - fearfully and wonderfully made. The baby seemed less wriggly than at the 12 week scan - maybe we were getting a chilled out baby who slept when they were meant to and woke when they were meant to? The sonographer told us that everything looked fine and that we were having a little boy. I couldn't actually imagine having a little boy - I had felt certain that we were having a girl but we were thrilled none the less. We took one last look at him, certain it would be the last time we would see him before his due date nearly 5 months later. We took the photograph home and proudly displayed it feeling excited and comforted every time we looked at it.
We had been married just under 2 years when we found out that I was pregnant with Samuel. A couple of years before we got married I was diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) after years of ogliomenorrhea (infrequent periods) that had been very painful and VERY much on the infrequent side with me often going in excess of 6 months without having period. At that time it was treated with 'the pill' which helped to give me regular periods. On diagnosis we we're told that, until we stated trying for a baby, there would be no way of knowing the extent of my fertility problems but it was expected that we would have a lot of problems conceiving. We weren't even married at the time, none of our friends had children and I was very career minded so the concept of broodiness was alien to me.
Our lives revolved around our Church community and work. We attended a large, Christian Church in Liverpool and both became involved in Church life. The majority of our friends attended the same church and in addition to this John played for the Church football team and I helped with the Sunday morning childcare. Church was, and always has been, a big part of our lives together. We joined our Church in 2005 after friends of mine made the progression there from the Church I attended as a student. John came along, on my recommendation, the following week and shortly after he became a Christian and proposed a month later! Just before we got married, I was enjoying my first proper job following university which was the reason we had both found ourselves in Liverpool - John to do maths and management and me to do teacher training. We both felt that Liverpool was home and decided to stay on after university which is when we met. My job at the time was in the early years sector working for Sure Start so I came in contact with a lot of babies and young toddlers. I have vivid memories of holding the babies and toddlers and being told by well meaning adults that "it suits you" to which I would shrug them off telling them that I didn't want children. It was a long time until I realised that my reasons were a method of self preservation and formed out of a complete lack of acceptance of the fact that I may not be able to have children. Infertility was a completely foreign idea and one that I refused to think or talk about.
At the time of our wedding, one of my closest friends was pregnant and my sister in law was in the very early stages of pregnancy. They would be the first people close to me who had children and when they were born, 4 and 7 months later respectively, my feelings completely changed and the fact that I might not be able to have children became more painful yet I carried on telling my story of not wanting children. Every job I have ever done revolves around working with young children and their presence in my life, along with the presence of my nephew and my friends' new babies, began to intensify the new feeling of broodiness I was experiencing and, following discussion with John, I eventually decided to come off the pill in the hopes that my periods my start and become regular so that we could start trying for a baby. When I stopped taking the pill I had the normal 'withdrawal' bleed and then began to wait for my ovaries to kick into action. Weeks went by and then the weeks turned into months. I began to get antsy but didn't see it as an infertility issue - we weren't going to start trying for a baby until I had got my first period. But after 9 months my periods still hadn't started and I decided to go and see the doctor. He chatted about my desire to start trying for a baby and suddenly the flood gates opened. I sat in his room and wept. I realised that I'd been seeing babies everywhere I looked and, even though we weren't officially 'trying', the pain of knowing that I couldn't even have a normal period (and therefore probably not ovulate to get pregnant) had become really painful. He spoke about the stress that waiting for my periods to start could be having on my body and subconscious mind and referred me for a scan to get more of an idea what was going on. He then advised that we stop waiting for a period and start trying in the mean time. The doctor I saw was actually a Christian and asked if he could pray for me. He prayed specifically that my mind would be put at peace and that, within a month of trying for a baby, I would find out that I was pregnant. I went home to John, reassured that I was to have a scan, but with a complete lack of faith to belief for falling pregnant straight away. The following Sunday at Church, Prue - a lady I barely knew and a new mum - came and asked if she could pray with me. She felt that we were promised a baby and that it would happen soon. Less than a month later, after my periods still not restarting, I found out that I was pregnant. I called John, who was on some training at Church, and asked him to come home over his lunch break. He arrived home to see the positive pregnancy test on the table and the two of us were delighted!
....to be continued....
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