I woke up during the night with an overwhelming sense of despondency and disorientation. I say 'woke up' but I think I have to be sleeping before I can wake up, and I know I haven't really slept properly in 4 1/2 months - let alone in the past week. When I woke up, I couldn't work out what day it was, what was happening in my life or how long it had been since anything had happened. It all feels like someone else's nightmare that I've inadvertently found myself being a part of.
I'm trying to draw comfort from the fact that everyone says I'll be more fertile after having had a miscarriage but I feel like I'm back in a state of limbo waiting to get pregnant and until I am my life is on hold. I had a plan and this really wasn't a part of it. There's a sense of not knowing who I am anymore, the carpet has been pulled from under my feet and I need to try & work out what my life looks like now but it bears no resemblance to how I'd planned it. I only took 3 months off after having Sam before embarking on business planning, meetings and training to start my own childcare business and 7 months after he was born I opened my business. I'd worked solidly since then up until I was 23 weeks pregnant with Emilie and needed to finish to rest. That's who I am and what I want to do and now I feel like everything is on hold while I wait for a baby. I'm not used to having this level of uncertainty or being as out of control as this.
I really don't understand why things like this happen and at the moment I'm struggling to see how any good can come out of this situation. I am clinging to the fact that when I finally have my baby I can look back on this stage in my life as being a journey of growth-a season where we could do nothing but hope and trust but just a season none the less. Some of the best support I've had since Emilie died is from women who've also lost children; who've been through stillbirth, neonatal death, infant death and even the death of an adult child. There is real comfort in knowing we are not the first (or last) people to experience this and I really appreciate women, for whom I know things are still very painful, using what has happened to them to help me. I really hope that when all of this is over I can use what has happened for good and to give support to other women who have experienced the loss of a child.
2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)
4He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
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